OBEDIENT WIFE!

The FBI had an  opening for an assassin .

After all the  background checks, interviews

And testing were  done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a  woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large  metal door and handed Him a gun.

'We  must know that you will follow your

Instructions no  matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife  sitting

In a chair ... . .  Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

Never shoot my  wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

For this job. Take  your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.  He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5  minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't  kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and  go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same  instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.  Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on  the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there  stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded  with blanks' she said. I had to beat him to death with the  chair.' 

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

NOT THE FIRST ONE

When I discovered my first gray hair, I immediately wrote to
my parents:
 
"Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to
experience this with me too."
 
I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.
 
My father's response was in the form of a poem:
 
It's a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first gray hair.
 
He signed off with this observation:
 
"That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!"
 
 Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.

SPIRITUAL(!) UPLIFTMENT

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy   "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." ~Frank Sinatra   "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman   "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright   "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke   "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin   "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry   To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~Dave Howell And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." Courtesy: Martha Northrup