Collected Gems – 2

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? 
They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells, and don't work half the time.  

"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."

Hard work doesn't harm anyone, but I do not want to take any chances.

How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store. 
You prefer gardening to watching television. 
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks. 
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride. 

What do you call two young married spiders?
Newly webs. 

Recruiting A Pilot!

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
 

Collected Gems - 1

"I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and
pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

A Russian magazine is running a contest for the
funniest Putin joke. First prize is twenty years.
Her doctor told my neighbor's wife she could no
longer touch anything alcoholic. So she divorced
him.

God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.  

"My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."