Wake-up call!

"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'"

Pragmatic!

Pete's wife went to the newspaper to have them run her
husband's obituary. The newsman said, "It's a dollar a
word. I remember Pete and it's too bad about him passing
away."
"Thank you for the kind words. I only have two dollars,
so I guess we'll just write, "Pete died."
"I tell you what -- since Pete was such a nice guy I'll
give you three more words at no charge."
"Thank you very much. That's extremely kind of you.
Please make it say 'Pete died. Boat for sale'."

Banks for everyone!

Hogs keep their money in piggy banks.
Londoners keep their money in fog banks.
Fish keep their money in river banks.
Polar bears keep their money in snow banks.
Vampires keep their money in blood banks.
Trees keep their money in bank branches.
... and Chicago Cubs fans used to keep their
money in Ernie Banks.